here;
stealing smiles.

just close your eyes

11:09 pm this is crazy.

xanga is rejecting me uhnuuu probably a god-sent attempt to get me to bed therefore imma take heed soon.
been feeling downdown recently, and i can't pinpoint the source,
i could probably peg it down to pms but hai it couldn't possibly be this down.
i do do try to love love people,
and each day it gets easier to really care,
to let them know they do matter.

i know God peeled off made over the layer of dead, unwanted bitterness that had for so long, shrouded my heart. i saw it come to life, I felt it challenge me whenever I was too close to being a jerk.

i'm changed but i'm still seeking.

contentment; within God for God with God.
I know once i've found it, nothing will ever be difficult again;
no relationships will dysfunction,
no hearts will be broken,
no empty lives.
and all i want to do is really reach out and love.
reach out and talk about God in the way i dedicate to everyone else possible.
this reason for living is the only thing i get up some mornings;
that i have a reason for living.
when i stop loving i'm breaking my own heart and i can't fanthom how i'd rise and walk silently among the loud.


they say it's a dream
to wake admidst sunstream.
here,
we awaken to mock crowing,
mechanised from devices,
we set everyday to tilt us out
of bed.

they say it's amazing,
we stand everyday and sing
of praises and dance to the Lord.
i rise, i rise, i rise.

they say it gets easier,
to be mechanical and
i look down at my heart
on fire.

they say it hurts to
give too much of yourself,
i stumble. how else,
do i climb above
barbed wire truths?

they say c'est difficile,
to speak of truth with
conviction.
i tap on my cavity,
'come, thou holy.'

i weep in earnest,
for the faded.
skip .
and before they say trip tumble fall,
it's over.
a play upon the brightly lit
colours cast into oblivion,
who never knew and never will.
Or happy.
bleeding burdened heart drips,
red: beyond the sunset.
leave me let lonely,
leave me set angry.
and before you know.
i'll be running back.
beyong beaches and beyond horizons.
for you.



they say.

8:21 pm im sorry i know this is retarded i mean, yo dont you've a xanga why're you posting here kinda thing. but sometimes im just like lawl, i dont know who reads my xanga actually and im pretty damn sure no one comes here so well. sometimes i need a time to be myself without a filter. reading back at all those posts previously sometiems make me feel stupid as ! , why did i dedicate that much time to one dude y'know. im sorry man, but sometimes some things in lfie just shouldnt be as important. but for what it's worth i think we had a good run of two years. something else to reflect upon would be my friendships. it's nice to see how far ive come from being the pariah in primary school to actually having a social life pretty damn close to normal. i've friends, i love them and i cross my fingers & toes that they love me too 8) sometimes though its pretty hard to just get whats on everyones mind though i mean i do get the comparisons some people make btwn fio and i, we're w each other all the time its hard not to compare. and sometimes i have to say my ego takes a pretty hard thrashing when im around her, thinking about what people say about my looks, my personality and i just get the impression that people do believe im just a watered down, less cheerful and agreeable version of her.

i am not.

i am my own person and im starting to love myself for who i am, learning to sift out the parts of me that makes me me, the parts of me that i dont like about me and to keep those that are of importance and bin those are not. but i am here, actually, just to really say this.

it's nice to see how i've come,
and
thanks God, i wouldn't have made it without you carrying me , half the way.

1:48 pm kinda cold that freezes your heart over
freezes your cold heart over and turns it high dry silver numb sad.



http://xanga.com/breezebus
[ive moved]

11:07 pm pitch black, barefooted. black moss whispers underneath your barely moving feet. are you afraid yet? youre in too deep to back out, you shake your head, defiant. tell it to them, tell them youre never going to make me give up. slithers, hissing slips of movement just nearby, the crackle of leaves beneath your cold, dead dying toes. still not leaving, are you girl? your head screams yes, your heart whispers no, youll take me when i cant fight anymore. trees bend in agony, you can hear their screams surrounding you, all your doing. the wind swerves around them, howling, wailing; your spirit's replica. you shiver, you run, but there is no one left for you. shake your tresses, nail your feet, tear out your own skin because you know he took it all.
there's no one left for you.

10:16 pm my hotmail's
emotion-markers@hotmail.com
munning add me! and leave your blooggg!

10:05 pm i love my watch mates,
i think tenzing is super zai.
and im still telling the pippi joke to people!
hahaha
thinking about evan and his stupid joke telling still makes me laugh.

evan: okay i tell you guess a joke! once there was a famimly who had seven kids. they kept trying and trying for an eighth kid, and one day, they finally got it. the mother pushed and pushed and finally they got a kid ...
me: and it was jamie! hahaha joke.
evan: eh quiet! okayokay. then on the day of the pregnancy, the mother was having difficulty giving birth to it, but she pushed and she pushed, and it was very hard, but soon the baby came out,
jamie: and it had two heads! hahahaha
evan: eh! keep quiet! then the baby was very active somehow, it ran to the nurse and asked her, are you my mummy? the nurse said no, your mummy is in the room. the baby ran to the doctor, and asked, are you my daddy? and the doctor said, no, your mummy and daddy are in the room there. then the baby ran to the room, knocked, the daddy opened the door and then the baby ran up to the mummy
[evan smacks jamie real hard on the head twice]
and the baby asked. pain or not! pain or not!
jamie: huh i dont get it!
evan: i do for you again k!
[smacks her on the head again]
jamie: ow! yes pain! but i dont get it!
evan: you want me do again?

hahaha
he got so frustrated at the interruptions!

i love you all,
munning justina jolyn trisha ziwei jaime jamie lerwoon janice melissa shira meeling TENZING

9:58 pm camp was pretty fun,
learnt the game werewolf
hees.
its quite an awesome game,
but the thing's that you need loads of people to play it.
got to be a werewolf once,
heh.

best part of camp?
claudia: STOP TOUCHING ME!
haha outzx nights.



told you youre a liar,
what happened to 'ill blog after my exams?'
liar.

8:52 pm what it could've been:
cookies baked,
in your name and a
card.
shirt that would look great
on only you and my
heart.

happy never going to be;
second year.


thrice a day,
i must be getting bored.
or desperate.

7:15 pm hold you like there's no tomorrow,
because tomorrow's gone 'for(e) us.

6:41 pm drowning;

i just wanna dive right back in,
till i forgot i cant breathe inside it.
your open arms and tears towards, i'll swim,
if i didn't know can't touch, the floor's too deep.

oh yes we know the love's there,
but then love just can't be everywhere.
didn't think i'd miss you, this bad.
back to when i'd see your name and stop and stare.

it's hard to remember it's over,
hard to not tell you what i think
hard to just not run back to you,
hard to believe without you i'd still swim.

oh yes we know the love's there,
but then love just can't be everywhere.
didn't think i'd miss you, this bad.
back to when i'd see your name and stop and stare.

feels like im diving in the dark.
lost track of my own heart.
awoken from my nightmare's fantasy.
it's getting cold and sharp,
waves crashing on my skin.
tell me,
when were you not everything.

oh yes i know that you're there,
but when it's late my thoughts compare.
didn't think it'd ever be this way,
still surrounded by your memory,
always safe.