here;
stealing smiles.

just close your eyes

10:49 pm MONDAY #11-06-07

and this is just a notebook i grabbed off the shelf. im thinking now, writing. the hotel's striped orange and yello towel's barely long enough for me to lie on but anyway, everything looks different from a lower viewm you can see each grain of sand. it's rather interesting. sand's just sand, but then again, it doesnt look the same at all. the sky's blue and gray, bruised with dark clounds. it had rained while i was sleeping an hour ago. i'm glad i came out of the hotel room. i can hear the crackle of the leaves of the coconut tree, see the light illuminating the grand tallness of the bark of the coconut trees, hear the birds answer and call to each other, all with the lull of the sea dragging this peacefulness to a quiet rythmn.
all together with the beat of my heart.


i can see why people want to paint the sea; sketch it. it's undescribably beautiful. impossible to capture. but i can see why i shouldnt. im not good enough to catch the life and wonder of the sea. to do it justice.

now im still on the towel, a different towel. meiru's. it's a different place too, by the pool. theres nothing i feel like writing about here. anyway, i just cant stop thinking about zhi png & mattias. mattias & zhi png. over and over. why do i hate zhi ong now? gawk if i look at it through his eyes. yes, i'ma bitch. alot worse thatn that actually to him.

i dated mattias 2/ 3 weeks after we broke up. in his face. define BITCH.
plus i changed completely to him. its like. hello zhi png im the worst side of meeling. the one who is lost and takes it out on people and im here to take the mickey out of you because you hurt me really really badly. and then its like. i took the nice side of me away. and just. scarred it. idontknow. internal slitting something like that.


okay look.

-i like mattias
-im used to having a boyfriend like zhi png who used to care alot.
-i think i expected boyfriend to be someone else who would care for me like zhi png did.
-i should grow up
-does mattias give a damn actually?
-by expecting my boyfriend to be like zhi png does that mean that i like zhi png again?

actually. i know that i dont like zhi png in that way anymore. its like. neutral. but then if neutral was counted like. i should probably date the world.

okay one solved. i dont like zhi png in that way.
but i still like him in a friend way; yeah.


and mattias.
if you ever read this.
im sorry for being such a weird girlfriend. thats all i can come up with now. & im sorry for that too.

im going to apologise to zhi png for calling him a fucking asshole.
he isnt.

& im really praying that mattias and i dont break. please.
somehow i feel like ive fallen pretty bad. =/


bytheway, i think mr bean will make a sexaye newscaster.




remember people. written on monday in indonesia. yeahh